Feeling unprotected
August 7, 2007
I hear a knock on the door.
“Who is it?”
“Neighbor from across the street” is the reply.
I open the door to find a guy wearing sweat pants low, and tennis shoes. He has a beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a scar down the right side of his face. He askes if my name is Tiffany. I tell him no, and introduce myself. I stick out my hand, and he makes like he is going to kiss it, and he bites it, a little. (trying to be sexy?)
He asks if I want to come over and party, and I tell him no thanks, I have to work tomorrow morning early. As he turns around to leave, I can see almost his entire butt.
I shut the door, and go back to watching TV. I feel so vulnerable and unprotected, I can feel myself starting to shake deep inside. I consider making a booty call just to have someone there with me. I break down and cry. And I’m kind of inside my head watching this emotional reaction knowing it can’t stem only from this very slight threat. And then bam, it hit me. My mom didn’t protect me from my step dad when I was younger. Then the flood gates really opened, and I just cried and cried. I’m laying in bed by this time, and not wanting this emotional release to be for nothing. How do I let this go? I started looking at my mom and our relationship, and then her relationship with her mom, and so on. I remembered something someone once observed about my mom’s energy. They said she looked like fractured blue glass, as if when she was very young, she told her mom about a monster in the closet. Her mom told her she was fine, not to worry, and then the monster ate her. And I get this feeling that my mom couldn’t punish anyone at the time, so she punished me by not protecting me. Or it’s simply what she learned, that mothers don’t protect their children. But it truly feels like a punishment to me. It’s also interesting to note that my mom feels immense guilt about how she raised me and my brother, even though in the next breath, she talks about all of the sacrifices she made for us.
