Well, let me tell you why. I firmly believe that I am worthless. Not deserving of so many things in life, and not capable of succeeding.

So that’s my first big thing to unwind. I know well enough to continue to work around the edges of that, so I will, and at the same time, cultivate patience.

On a side note, there’s another Kelly in the cave now!!! It’s kinda trippy to see her talking and people hugging her.

By the time I got home, my resolve was firm, I was going to sign up for classes. I considered signing up for all 3 beginner classes offered, but considering how much I have procrastinated the very basic tool of recap, I decided I would take that one class, and focus on that.

I registered, paid, and showed up early, nervous, and with mixed emotions. Before the class, a lot of emotional baggage was popping up for me, but I managed to remain detached and tried to just keep track of what I was feeling, and what set it off.

Class was led by Jean, who was very thorough and clear in her explanations. Afterwards, I recapped, but it was very hard to stay in the closet, even though I was simply focusing on work anxiety and annoying coworkers. I managed about 10 minutes recapping all together, but I kept finding reasons to stop for a minute. Then a lightbulb went off, and I started recapping the fear and procrastination of recapping.

So I recapped! It feels good to do some real work, however light. ;)

When I was a teenager, I lived in an uncomfortable household situation.  I was often accused of actions I hadn’t even considered, much less committed.  I found it hard not to fall into the mindset, if I’m paying the consequences of actions I haven’t committed, then I might as well commit those actions.  Thankfully, in my life I had a wonderful lady who experienced a similar (and worse) situation in her teenage years.  She explained to me that because of that situation, she had made a personal choice to never accuse anyone of anything without proof.  I also decided to adopt this policy. 

I think that’s part of it.  The likelihood of his back injury being fake is just small.  And if he isn’t faking, how shitty is it for people to spread the rumor that he is probably faking it.  I just find this cruel, petty, and uncalled for.

I think I’m irritated for an entirely selfish reason also.  The person who said this to me today often has conversations with me that leave me wondering what he is trying to get out of me.  He has mentioned that women need to be mentally stimulated, and he makes a point to often talk to me about my day, and flirt with me even though he is married.  It probably is very innocent…  but if he thinks that this back injury is fake, and I was most definitely lied to…  it makes me wonder if he sees me as gullible and easily manipulated.  I think this reflects his own feelings more than the man with the back injury. 

I want to kill myself.  How did I become this person that I hate so vehemently?  I want to stab her and watch her bleed.

I am so ashamed of being this mentally unstable and weak.

I’d rather be numb than ashamed and afraid all of the time.

I was thinking back, and considering what a soloer I am, this is probably my 10th grouping experience period. I only grabbed aggro 2 or 3 times, and that was at the very end when we were killing trash mobs with 7 people, 3 of which were tanks. I know at least one of the tanks is pretty inexperienced, and I think maybe two.

I still need to spend some time getting used to the raid interface and the threat meter. Overall, it was a good experience. The jury is still out on whether or not I actually enjoy it though…

“Who is it?”

“Neighbor from across the street” is the reply.

I open the door to find a guy wearing sweat pants low, and tennis shoes. He has a beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a scar down the right side of his face. He askes if my name is Tiffany. I tell him no, and introduce myself. I stick out my hand, and he makes like he is going to kiss it, and he bites it, a little. (trying to be sexy?)

He asks if I want to come over and party, and I tell him no thanks, I have to work tomorrow morning early. As he turns around to leave, I can see almost his entire butt.

I shut the door, and go back to watching TV. I feel so vulnerable and unprotected, I can feel myself starting to shake deep inside. I consider making a booty call just to have someone there with me. I break down and cry. And I’m kind of inside my head watching this emotional reaction knowing it can’t stem only from this very slight threat. And then bam, it hit me. My mom didn’t protect me from my step dad when I was younger. Then the flood gates really opened, and I just cried and cried. I’m laying in bed by this time, and not wanting this emotional release to be for nothing. How do I let this go? I started looking at my mom and our relationship, and then her relationship with her mom, and so on. I remembered something someone once observed about my mom’s energy. They said she looked like fractured blue glass, as if when she was very young, she told her mom about a monster in the closet. Her mom told her she was fine, not to worry, and then the monster ate her. And I get this feeling that my mom couldn’t punish anyone at the time, so she punished me by not protecting me. Or it’s simply what she learned, that mothers don’t protect their children. But it truly feels like a punishment to me. It’s also interesting to note that my mom feels immense guilt about how she raised me and my brother, even though in the next breath, she talks about all of the sacrifices she made for us.

I should give some background information to explain why this just irks me so badly. I work in the type of casual work environment where you can round a corner and interrupt a put-put golf game. Also, she dated Rind for about a year before he went back to his wife. And she often observes he and I going to lunch together because we are friends. Also, this is just the kind of person she is. I’ve said to about 5 people in my company, hey, ya know that Cankles lady? She’s a real bitch huh? All of their responses have reeked of duh and ya think? But that just reflects how this is not personal, and that’s just how she is. How sad it must be to be known in this way.

Then I was speaking to Duck and he informed me that Waylon and Richard have dated. I told him that was only rumor, but he insisted that he had heard it from the horse’s mouth. This absolutely infuriates me! I have opened up to her so much, just because she is so sweet, and we are friends (I had thought). And then I found out that she lied to me? And her lies have manipulated me? I am very hurt.

I had dinner with E, and he pretty much set me straight. He pointed out to me I am playing the game I profess to know nothing about, and that I am also ignoring that humans are animals. And since the time that he has known me, I have become more extraverted, and therefore more competition. So I should expect to be treated as such by my other competition. And he’s right.  I’ve just never thought of myself as competition, because I am average to cute. I do not stop traffic, and I do not have a rocking body.

So I need to change how I approach single women. I will keep in mind that I am competition. But will I sink to their level? No. I am still who I am. But that doesn’t mean that I have to open up to them in hopes of gaining a friend. But this is a really good realization for me to have. I am looking back on a lot of my past female relationships that have fallen apart, and it makes sense. JVarsity used to put me down in front of people, especially in front of new men I would be meeting for the first time. (To establish dominance.) Also, there are two ladies who were especially rude to me when I first started here, and now they are both nice. What changed? One is now married, and the other pregnant.

I am actually glad this all happened. Because I can now approach my relationships with single females with more awareness and less naïveté.

Andy brought a boy over yesterday afternoon with 3 duffel bags worth of stuff. I asked Andy who it was, and he said it was Ben, and he was helping to get him out of his boyfriend’s apartment. I asked if Ben was staying over. Andy said yes. I asked if Andy had asked Bao, as Andy was a guest in Bao’s house, and therefore owed him some respect. Andy said he would. But Ben might not stay the night.

I talk to Bao later, and he asks why I am mad that Andy is trying to do a good deed. I explain to Bao that I was only insisting that Andy tell Bao that Ben was staying over. Bao said that Andy said he wasn’t. I told Bao that wasn’t what he told me.

Isn’t being roommates with a lying self serving narcisistic abusive manipulator fun?

Bao thinks I’m out to further my own agenda. What he doesn’t understand is my only agenda is to be treated with respect and live in peace. Simple things like the kitchen being clean so that I can use it. I’m truly okay with Andy sitting unemployed on Bao’s couch until he’s old, wrinkly, and 80 years old. As long as he cleans up after himself. But I guess that is too much to ask. I am now officially the bitchy roommate.

So this morning I’m feeling sad and alone.

Karl’s been busy, and Matt’s been occupied. I haven’t been able to talk to John, because he’s been busy the last two weekends. And I’m still confused about my feelings about him. I care about him, but he told me there is no chance that it will ever really be more than friendship and sex for him. Is this the sort of relationship I can settle for? Or is it truly the relationship for me? I’m terrified of commitment, but like having regular good sex, affection, and conversation.

The full moon is on Saturday, which means I’m sure I’m pms’ing.

Last night, (for a long complicated reason I won’t go into here) I’m sleeping the first of 3 nights on the couch in the living room. Which is right by the front door. I put the cat outside anticipating the first peaceful night’s sleep in at least a week. I lay down, fall asleep, and 45 minutes later, he’s scratching and meowing at the front door. Now, I know if I let him in, 30 minutes later, he’ll want back out. He’s like a kid this way. So I lay quietly and wait for him to get the point and go away to do his cat like night things. He finally does. An hour later, he is back. I repeat my previous response, and he eventually goes away. This repeats until 4 am when I finally admit I will not be getting any sleep at all tonight. I get up, shower and dress for work (as quietly as possible so I hopefully won’t wake my new roommates up), let the cat in (hiss at him), and leave for work.

When I get to work at 4:45, I set my cell phone alarm, and lay down to sleep on the floor of my grand-boss’s office. It takes me a while to finally relax. I keep dreaming of sleeping past the alarm, and people walking in on me sleeping there when their meeting starts at 9:30 am. I am finally sleeping peacefully and deep when my alarm goes off at 6:55 am. I turn it off because I think I am at home in my own bed, and promptly go back to sleep. I do however wonder why my bed is so hard, and finally realize I am not at home, but in my grand-bosses’s office. Very close call.

I’ve got to get some good sleep soon! What I wouldn’t do for a solid 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep.